Throwing in the towel

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The better part of the morning is spent typing catching up on the blog and talking to my parents who call to get the latest and greatest on the wedding.   The rest of the day is spent swallowing my tears and hoping I can make it through the day without my grandma seeing me cry.  Last night E and I got in another fight this time because he said he ran into an old barber who now has his own shop in Ballwin Park and I asked “isn’t that far?” The stress and the tension gets the better of us now he took that to mean “what the hell are you thinking going that far for a hair cut”  while I simply wanted to know a location.  I feel like I have to watch everything I say now and I am sure he feels the same.  Today he called in the morning and again the fight from last night continued.  He calls me twice a day and I used to think that wasn’t enough but as time passes by I think twice a day might be too much.  Most of the time we have very little to talk about, once you get passed the “how was your day at work and how are the families?” after the first phone call.  By the time the second call comes in at night we really don’t have much else to say to each other.  I usually have nothing to report about unless I learned to make a new scarf at knitting class and I know for a fact that it’s the last thing he wants to hear.  I am not sure what else is left of me but whatever it is is slowly going too.

I feel like I used to have purpose and meaning to my life.  I used to volunteer for committees at the university I attended, spent time on the board of a local charter school, not to mention teaching about undocumented students to teachers and faculty who would listen.  There was always a plethora of events and drama to catch up on.  Now all I do is sit and wait, for a response that seems like it may never come and when I am not busy doing that then I fight with my husband about how far Ballwin Park is and weather or not he’s thinking about cheating on me.  My self respect was gone a long time ago and with the departure of my soul it’s taking my marriage with it.  I am sure that’s what they bank on, that a marriage will fall apart before they even have to hand out a visa so that person never makes it back home.  I use to think I was stronger than what I am now and that I would fight against this but more and more it keeps getting easier to throw in the towel.