"My heart hurts for you"

February 8, 2012, Wednesday

A friend’s message comes through “my heart hurt for you” and I melt again.  I don’t want to get out of bed I don’t want to eat I don’t want to breath and frankly I don’t want to live.  I fid the strength to go on absent from my body and I hear my grandmother and uncle moving about the house.    My uncle is leaving back home to Chicago and I wish I could stow away in his luggage.  I must get up; grandma needs my help with the house and helping uncle pack.  I muster up the will to move and help serve breakfast and pack cheeses.  Visitors start flooding the house dropping off goods for my uncle to take to their relatives in the U.S. to wish him well and talk to grandma.  The day is a blur I am not even sure how I get through the day.  “Get it together”, “it will all be ok soon”, and “don’t give up” are only a few of the messages I get from friends and family.  I know they want to make me feel better and that they mean well but right now I don’t want to hear it.  It feels as though I’ll never go home, like I will never see my husband or anyone else I care about back in the U.S.  My sister gets angry with me and reminds me that I am “too negative” but what has being positive gotten me?  What has doing the right thing done for me?  My mother calls me and I conveniently yell at her.  I am tiered of hearing that I am going to go home soon that I have to believe it and pray on it.  In four days I will have been here 7 months, and they might as well be 7 years because I don’t feel any closer to being home.