First Wedding Anniversary

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Arrived in Ojo around noon and was a total emotional wreck, our first wedding Anniversary and I am not there.  Sometimes, some of us spend an entire lifetime looking for a partner who will love us and share with us life in its all agony and glory and when I finally found that person I am told I must be punished for finding him.  I am tiered from all the traveling and emotionally weak.  My grandmother and aunts come out to greet me but I don’t want to look at them for fear that I will begin to cry.  I yearn to be in my husbands arms and to hold him once again.  I keep asking myself how we could be apart on our first wedding anniversary.  I know it’s all my fault and I need to cry even more, but there is no time for crying because I must change and be ready for church in less than 20 minutes.  I am happy to have a distraction, I quickly change and out the door with my aunt to pick up my little cousin so he can go to church with us.  As we walk through the streets we notice the town is filled with carnival rides and stands, the people are ready for the “ferias” annual traditions that honor the town’s saint and kick off the month of September when Mexico’s independence is celebrated.  We walk past the church and see the dancers and the crowds of people dancing and standing.  They are all waiting for the pilgrimage to arrive.  People from various towns gather by foot, car or bus to caravan together until they arrive at the town’s church to celebrate the Virgin in this case.  We watch as the buses, trucks, cars and hordes of people arrive to be greeted by the priest and the people.  It’s a beautiful sight to see and the tears start to flow.  How could I be surrounded by so much happiness when I was so sad?  I want desperately to change my attitude but I cant, everything reminds me of E and sends me on an emotional ride. 

The church is overflowing with people and we can’t even go inside and frankly I am content with that.  I don’t very much feel like praying today.  I pray and cling to hope that isn’t there and I am tiered of feeling like my prayers are going unanswered.  I feel like organized religion is just another way to keep the poor people down so they don’t rise in masses demanding what is owed to them.  Everyone tells me to pray and have hope but how do I do that when I am so far away from home and can’t even be with my husband on our first wedding anniversary.  A year ago today we were laughing and dancing, sharing our love with our friends and family.  Promising each other that we would be together forever and right now forever seems like it never came for us.  We head back home and I am happy to go back to the room I am staying in and sleep.  If I sleep through today maybe tomorrow won’t feel so gloomy.  In the evening E calls and I loose it.  I sob, weep and bawl.  I want to stay strong for him since I sense he feels the same way but I can’t. I cry desperately and tell him I am sorry and that I want to go home.  He tells me to be strong, to hang in there and that it will all be over soon but it doesn’t feel that way.  I apologize for being weak and more tears flow when he tells me he wishes he could hold me and make it all better.  I wish for the same but have to settle for pretending everything is fine.  Everyone knows I am devastated to be returning to Mexico but no one will say anything for fear of upsetting me.  Little do they know that I have no tears left to shed with them all I have is an empty hole where my heart used to be.  

In our home and in our bed is where I hope you are honey and I want to tell you that I miss and love you very much.  I am sorry we can’t be together today but I promise you many other lovely anniversaries where no one will be able to keep us apart.  I promised you a life time of love and happiness and I am sorry this is how we started our lives together.  I know that someday we will be together again and in the mean time, no matter how far away I will always love you and no matter how long I stay I will always love you.  Sincerely, your biggest fan and doting wife.  

Love Song- Adele

Whenever I am alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again

Whenever I am alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I am alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I am alone with you, you make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you

However long I stay, I will always love you

Whatever words I say I will always love you

I will always love you

Whenever I am alone with you, you make me feel like I am free again

Whenever I am alone with you, you make me feel like I am clean again

However far away, I will always love you

However long I stay I will always love you

Whatever words I say I will always love you

I will always love you

However far away, I will always love you,

However long I stay I will always love you

Whatever words I say, I will always love you

I’ll always love you, I’ll always love you

I love you