Apologies

I find myself doing a lot of apologizing lately.  Mainly to my husband but today I make it to you my friends and loved ones who still read my blog.  I know there is a dark month missing from this blog and I am sorry.  I promise to do my best to get back on track with the blog.  It’s been a dark month for me; I have let the sadness and the loneliness get the best of me.  Writing the blog everyday was a constant reminder that I wasn’t home.  Everyday there is an entry is a day that I am not with my husband, my family or my friends.  It is one more night I can’t spend in my own bed.  This process has taken the best of me; my pride my honor my strength, my faith and has turned me into a weak woman who I am not used to seeing in the mirror yet.  Last night was the last straw and the last time I let my sadness hurt the one person I love most.  With everyone else I put on the strong face and say everything is ok but my husband gets the worst parts.  It is he who gets the crying wife at midnight and the jealous wife who is afraid that he will realize that this is more than he can handle and run of with the first wench who smiles at him.  It was last night that my sadness and my anger got the best of me.  I realized that the thing I am most afraid of is being forgotten.  I hear the stories and see the pictures of everyone who I love and care for moving on with their lives, because they have to and I remember how I used to play a part in those lives and now I don’t.  Sometimes I am mad because people in jail at least get family and conjugal visits but I get hundreds of miles of loneliness.  I haven’t heard anything about my pardon and the lack of information is infuriating.  No one in any of the U.S. consulate offices or websites will answer any questions or at least have the courtesy to explain the delay.  The forums on this topic are buzzing with presumptions and suppositions about why so many people have waited so long for a reply but no one official will say a thing to its victims.  I am sorry to all of you who out of love, courtesy, curiosity or sympathy read my words and have not heard from my in some time and I am sorry to my husband for becoming such an overwhelming neurotic bitch.  If nothing else people have to know how hard this process is and how difficult it is for those of us who were children when our families decided to take us to the promise land and now as adults have to be displaced from the only real home we know.  Thank you to all those who have written to me and asked where my entries went and I hope you will continue to read what’s happened to me in the last month and what’s yet to come.