24 years

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Everyday I wake up in Mexico is a reminder that I am not home but it is those phone calls home on people’s birthdays I am missing that make me even more nostalgic for my family.  Today is my sister’s birthday and a reminder that we all haven’t been together for her birthday as a family in a long time.  Two years ago, sister spent her birthday in Mexico and last year mom spent her birthday in Mexico, both going through the same process.  Mom calls me crying because she is afraid sister won’t be home to celebrate her own birthday.  She explains that just yesterday they had a huge fight over my parents taking my nice to see my brother who is in jail (without my sister or her husband permission of course). I am not sure if there is a study out there somewhere about what happens to children who have to visit a parent in jail but everyone in the house is worried about the implications that taking my nieces to see their father in jail might have.  Needless to say in an effort to avoid turning my three year old niece in to a criminal herself my sister would rather her daughter not visit her uncle in jail.  Sister is still to hurt, too mad, to selfish, to young to forgive her brother for his mistakes and I certainly can’t blame her.  She feels how she feels and I am not the one who can or will change her mind.  Mother is crying and it makes me sad and mad to hear her so devastated over the phone, I wish I was there to help, but I am not.  I am not a mother yet and I can not imagine what being one is like but I have had to watch my mother suffer for her children all her life.  Now she has a daughter stuck in Mexico, her only son in jail and her baby girl is too pissed to come home for her birthday dinner.  I am not sure I ever want to be a mother at this point.  No matter what she does it’s not good enough and no matter how big her sacrifices are she will never please us all.  Sister eventually agrees to come home and the celebration goes on.  My husband calls and as he puts the phone up for me to hear I listen to everyone sing happy birthday and I wish I was there in the middle of all the chaos.  Happy birthday sister, I hope 24 makes you a little wiser and more compassionate.