Thursday, June 23, 2011
Today is another one of those days again where life won’t let you get out of bed. I haven’t slept in what seems like forever. My mind won’t turn off and I keep going through paperwork, packing bags, and thinking about the loose ends that need to be tied up before I leave. I can’t sleep, the coffee pot broke down on me at the worst possible time and I can’t even have a cup of delicious brown stuff to keep me going at least through the morning.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Overwhelmed is an understatement to how I am feeling today. I am reading all the medical requirements that I need and the money it will cost ad my eyes water. I have been lacking “full-time” employment for a while and it has taken a toll on our finances. One income is tough and little room to save when the bills have to get paid. Thirteen vaccinations are on the list, lucky me mom can’t find my shots record. I am feeling overwhelmed today and it feels like one of those day when you want the earth to just swallow you whole. E calls and I fall apart, he tells me to relax, that everything will be ok. I want to believe him but what if it’s not?
Overwhelmed is an understatement to how I am feeling today. I am reading all the medical requirements that I need and the money it will cost ad my eyes water. I have been lacking “full-time” employment for a while and it has taken a toll on our finances. One income is tough and little room to save when the bills have to get paid. Thirteen vaccinations are on the list, lucky me mom can’t find my shots record. I am feeling overwhelmed today and it feels like one of those day when you want the earth to just swallow you whole. E calls and I fall apart, he tells me to relax, that everything will be ok. I want to believe him but what if it’s not?
Ni de aqui ni de alla...
My girlfriend suggested I start a blog or a diary of my journey through this immigration system in hopes that I have something else to think about besides “home”. I am not sure where I should start this but I guess the end works just as good.
I am “undocumented” by U.S. standards. I was born and raised for a short time in Zacatecas, Mexico. I was brought to the U.S. by my parents when I was 7 years old. Since, we have grown up and called San Bernardino, CA home. I am married to he most amazing man and we will with my entire family in my parents’ home. I’d like to think I am unique but I am not since there are almost over 1 million young people just like me in the U.S. (depending on who you talk to).
My parents have always emphasized the value of an education and even though I live illegally in the U.S. for over 23 years I have always made my education a priority (even when I can’t or don’t want to). I had the privilege of attending the great Redlands Unified School District. Although it didn’t always feel like a privilege it opened doors for me that I am not sure I would have otherwise. I was educated in some of the better schools in San Bernardino County and thanks to Redlands High School I was able to read, write and articulate my thoughts (more than what I can say for other San Bernardino County students/victims). My parents didn’t know that when they moved to the U.S. it was important to decide which school district their children would be a part of. They just picked somewhere they could work and raise a family. The rest was up to luck or fait which ever you believe in, or maybe neither. Maybe, I was always destined to be right where I am.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011 (8:27 a.m.)
Woke up early today, couldn’t sleep like the past three days. Had a weird dream about having a conversation with a priest about religion. If you know me you know how weird that is. So I woke up early and made myself comfortable in E’s “love sack” turned on the television and watched some local news. Lucky for me we just got a Google Sony TV and I can check my email while watching television, but who cares about email when you are jobless and feeling worthless. I have to check my email, every morning and first thing I do, even before brushing my teeth is I check my email, because I am waiting for my life to start. Daily I scan through my email looking for “it”…the answer to my life. Today is no different, I log on and I scan and I listen to the local drama. I almost miss it when my eyes do a double take and I see it “NVC”. I struggle with whether or not to open it first and I decide not to. Email from local retailers, non-profit organizations and finally I can’t stand it any more. I go back to the inbox (68) unread messages and only 1 of those matters. I open it, scan through it with fear and desperation and I see it, “July 14, 2011 at 7:15 a.m.” the date that will set in motion the beginning of my life. I call E but he doesn’t answer, he’s at work. I let out a sigh and begin to cry. Chubaka, my niece is near by and wants to know if I am ok. I hug her and tell her I love her, ask her if she’ll miss me when I go to Mexico and she replies “Mejico... I love Mejico papi”. Unfortunately in her young three years she has already gone through this twice with her mother and grandmother, but she makes me smile. I call E again and no answer, answer E answer. I call mom, no answer, where is everyone? I dial dad, finally an answer, I tell him I have a date and his reply is “shit…I have a doctors appointment”. We hang up and I start sending out the text to friends and family “I have a date to leave, July 14th”. Immediately the replies start flooding in “no, it’s too soon”, “yheay, so happy for you”, “this can’t be happening”, “are you ok?” Am I ok? I am not sure. I want to stay strong but I feel like falling apart. How does one deal with receiving something they have been waiting for, for the past 23 plus years? I post the news on my facebook page and messages and text keep flooding in. I have the best family and friends. Everyone has words of encouragement and it makes me feel better. E calls and I lose it. I am happy but oh so scared, I weep feeling all kinds of things. As always he has kind words…encouraging words…loving words.
I am “undocumented” by U.S. standards. I was born and raised for a short time in Zacatecas, Mexico. I was brought to the U.S. by my parents when I was 7 years old. Since, we have grown up and called San Bernardino, CA home. I am married to he most amazing man and we will with my entire family in my parents’ home. I’d like to think I am unique but I am not since there are almost over 1 million young people just like me in the U.S. (depending on who you talk to).
My parents have always emphasized the value of an education and even though I live illegally in the U.S. for over 23 years I have always made my education a priority (even when I can’t or don’t want to). I had the privilege of attending the great Redlands Unified School District. Although it didn’t always feel like a privilege it opened doors for me that I am not sure I would have otherwise. I was educated in some of the better schools in San Bernardino County and thanks to Redlands High School I was able to read, write and articulate my thoughts (more than what I can say for other San Bernardino County students/victims). My parents didn’t know that when they moved to the U.S. it was important to decide which school district their children would be a part of. They just picked somewhere they could work and raise a family. The rest was up to luck or fait which ever you believe in, or maybe neither. Maybe, I was always destined to be right where I am.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011 (8:27 a.m.)
Woke up early today, couldn’t sleep like the past three days. Had a weird dream about having a conversation with a priest about religion. If you know me you know how weird that is. So I woke up early and made myself comfortable in E’s “love sack” turned on the television and watched some local news. Lucky for me we just got a Google Sony TV and I can check my email while watching television, but who cares about email when you are jobless and feeling worthless. I have to check my email, every morning and first thing I do, even before brushing my teeth is I check my email, because I am waiting for my life to start. Daily I scan through my email looking for “it”…the answer to my life. Today is no different, I log on and I scan and I listen to the local drama. I almost miss it when my eyes do a double take and I see it “NVC”. I struggle with whether or not to open it first and I decide not to. Email from local retailers, non-profit organizations and finally I can’t stand it any more. I go back to the inbox (68) unread messages and only 1 of those matters. I open it, scan through it with fear and desperation and I see it, “July 14, 2011 at 7:15 a.m.” the date that will set in motion the beginning of my life. I call E but he doesn’t answer, he’s at work. I let out a sigh and begin to cry. Chubaka, my niece is near by and wants to know if I am ok. I hug her and tell her I love her, ask her if she’ll miss me when I go to Mexico and she replies “Mejico... I love Mejico papi”. Unfortunately in her young three years she has already gone through this twice with her mother and grandmother, but she makes me smile. I call E again and no answer, answer E answer. I call mom, no answer, where is everyone? I dial dad, finally an answer, I tell him I have a date and his reply is “shit…I have a doctors appointment”. We hang up and I start sending out the text to friends and family “I have a date to leave, July 14th”. Immediately the replies start flooding in “no, it’s too soon”, “yheay, so happy for you”, “this can’t be happening”, “are you ok?” Am I ok? I am not sure. I want to stay strong but I feel like falling apart. How does one deal with receiving something they have been waiting for, for the past 23 plus years? I post the news on my facebook page and messages and text keep flooding in. I have the best family and friends. Everyone has words of encouragement and it makes me feel better. E calls and I lose it. I am happy but oh so scared, I weep feeling all kinds of things. As always he has kind words…encouraging words…loving words.
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